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Confessions of a Catalyst

Updated: Jun 3, 2020

Catalyst: an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action

I grappled with writing this post, not because I doubted that I was supposed to, but because I haven't fully processed my own thoughts and feelings regarding the matter.

I typically like to ensure that, before I express an opinion or thoughts on a matter as serious as this one, I have enough "information" to do so. What I now realize while typing this is, there will always be more information to gather and more knowledge to gain...

and that, even in the midst of not knowing all the answers, impact can be made. Honestly, that's my concern... impact.

So let's address the elephant in the room... the great divide... Racism. Racial inequality. Racial Injustice. Systemic Racism... and the GREATER divide... the lives being snatched away at the mercy of those surrendered to its reign.

Whew. putting it out there like that... wow.

It's still unbelievable that, in 2020, this is the biggest topic of discussion across the nation.

Now, in full transparency, let me say this: it took for me to see the horrific, devious death of George Floyd with my own eyes, for the scales to finally fall off them.

For my entire life, the reality of my blackness has been an area that I was detached from in many ways. I've always been accepting of my race, but only as of late, have I found the beauty of embracing it.

For a while, I couldn't recognize the difference between the two as they relate to my race - when I say "the two" I mean "acceptance" and "embrace."

I thought that I had been embracing all that I am, in all its beauty, but I hadn't been.

Allow me to provide context...

I was born and raised (in my early childhood) around people who looked the same as me... black people. Until I was nine, I knew nothing different.

Things changed the summer before 4th grade when I moved to the suburbs. I was no longer part of the majority, and at first, it felt so wrong.

Eventually, I got used to being part of the minority - the little fish in a big pond - I found a sense of normalcy in it all.

By 9th grade, I had moved back to Detroit and was immersed into the same community I'd left when I was 9 years old, and, somehow though I was part of the majority again, I felt more like a minority than I had when I first moved to the suburbs.

By 2008, I was back in the burbs. This time, the adjustment wasn't so difficult for numerous reason that I won't get into.

I couldn't realize it then; however, in 2002 (4th grade in the burbs) and 2007 (9th grade in Detroit) much like today, segregration, social and racial inequality and inequity, were still alive and kicking like a baby fresh out the womb.

That being said, the wedge between these two worlds attempted to back me into a corner and force me to pledge allegiance to one over the other. I never did.

I never pledged allegiance to one over the other, but as an impressionable girl, I did what I still believe was inevitable, and blended the two together to best fit what I needed at the time.

Still, there was something about having been exposed to a world of privilege in the suburbs that enticed me, and something about where I came from, that scared the hell out of me... I know now that it was because the two worlds were so out of balance.

The privilege I'd witnessed in the burbs opened my eyes to opportunities that I hadn't quite imagined, growing up where I did.

Somehow, going back to where I had come from instilled a fear in me that, as long as I was there, I would never have access to the opportunities I witnessed in the suburbs.

Man. These words are just spilling out. I really don't wan't to get too caught up in my upbringing but had to provide context on how I got to where I am.

I had to paint the picture of how my diverse experiences have shaped my life in a positive way, but also attempted to create in me a subconscious narrative that a "better" life was tied to white privilege and supremacy.

Knowing where I came from, but where I had also been, fueled the fire inside of me and encouraged me to be passionate about creating a different narrative in my life and helping others do the same.

As I grew older and navigated through life, beating all the odds, I could see so much of what I had overcome, but never allowed myself to view racial disparity as one of those things.

Something in me would not allow myself to believe that racism existed to the extent that it does, and that it had subsequently stacked odds against me before I was born... odds that would cause me to have to work 10 times as hard as not just my white counterparts, but also have me competing against and comparing myself to girls and women of color who I should have been building bridges with.

Floyd's death helped me to make sense of this and of the famous quote by W.E.B. DuBois:

"A system cannot fail those it was never meant to protect."

I weep in silence as I type this, relating to those who came before me and those who will come after me, who have and will weep due to the injustice created by a system that claims to protect all people; yet, has proven itself wrong through the countless instances of neglect and injury it's caused those who fall into the outnumbered groups of minorities.

For this, my heart aches deeply. Yet, THIS is reality.

However, if you know me, you know that I cannot stop there. 🙅🏽‍♀️

Since we know that the system, in its entirety, is not built to protect and serve us, as it claims, and that lying in ignorance and leaving our fate in the hands of those who cannot relate to our experiences and pain enough to truly advocate for and perpetuate change, the responsibility falls on US.

So, I make this request: as you weep, don't let it be in vain.

It is now up to us give God access into our hearts like we never have before so that He can help us educate ourselves, make informed decisions regarding elected officials and other political matters, come together, use our platforms, and INFILTRATE a broken system that cannot repair itself until and unless there is REPRESENTATION in places of power and impact... representation that will bring about a demand for balance that should have existed long, long ago.

I get it now, and while I certainly believe that all lives matter, the idea will not hold much weight with the majority until #BlackLivesMatter

All that being said, I'm ready for a change... but I know that the change I want to see, starts with me.

So, as I anticipate and prepare for change, I won't be anxious, I'll be sober-minded, slow to speak, slow to anger, and quick to listen... not just to what's going on around me, but most importantly, to what the Spirit inside of me is saying and how He's instructing me. - James 1:19

I hope you feel my heart through this vulnerable spill of words.

I pray you abound in love, peace, and joy, remembering these words of Jesus:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
- John 16:33

I love you, foreva, eva!


#ConfessionsofaCatalyst #BlackLivesMatter #BeaUtifullyMended #BeaUtifullyBossyLifestyle #MotivateHER #TTsJourney #MrsMotivateHER #EmpowermentCoach

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